Terry McMahon's Awesome Blog

Talk about your horrifying moments: I have this friend Jill who was in all my law school classes last semester, and she just wrote a blog post about how she discovered a message board of guys obsessed with her, and, let's say, pretty vocal about stuff they should probably keep private. (What exactly is a "hate-fuck"?) You may or may not want to read this message board itself, but Jill's post is pretty terrible. What an awful thing to go through.

Now, I've certainly had extended periods of being a dateless internet dork, so it's not like I've never seen guys like this, or their mature, thoughtful level of discussion. I should also say that I fully support a well-made joke about potentially sensitive topics, and that is not what these guys are doing. So to help the world become a better place, here are my tips for posting on the internet without (here's hoping) getting publicly revealed as an asshole:

1. Understand when people may read what you're saying. I take potshots at people all the time on this blog, and I would make the exact same points (maybe not the exact same words) to their faces. None of these guys have the balls to be this cruel in person, partly because they're wusses and mostly because they're just shooting off and don't believe what they're saying. I'm sure it never occurred to most of them that Jill would actually find this site and read it. Guess what, chumps: that's your problem, not hers.

   So here's a suggestion: if you're going to post in public, be comfortable with the possibility of whoever you're trashing reading your comments. If, most likely, you're disparaging a video-game publisher, consider if there's a hard-working, talented, good-intentioned Squaresoft employee who's going to stare at the wall for ten minutes after reading your comments on Final Fantasy. Can you make the same point without being a jerk about it? Now, if your post involves awful sexual comments about a person who goes to the same school as you, it's a little more straightforward: don't be a fucking moron. Think about who might read it, and what they might think, before you write a horrifying post. Sometimes this takes practice. Try anyway.

2. If you're not being funny, you're just being creepy. My offensive jokes are hilarious because I keep the premise to things that no one could possibly take seriously, and I limit my audience to people who trust my intentions. To demonstrate, here's a fun fact: I support equal rights for boys and girls, I don't know why we didn't pass the ERA, and unlike Newt Gingrich, I don't think women will get "infections" if they were on the front lines of battle. I think women should be allowed to make their own decisions in life, from high-salaried Manhattan lawyer with no free time to homemaker and mother with no free time to Democratic Senate candidate with no free time. (I also support women sleeping in, the free time thing is a coincidence.)

   So that's my opinion on feminism. If I want to make a joke that involves women's rights, I have a challenge: the butt of the joke can't be "the feminazis," but rather the idea itself of taking me seriously. That's why I always get a kick out of pretending to oppose women's suffrage: it's not a statement of opinion, it's a joke about statements of stupid opinions. If this exciting wordplay sounds too complicated (I'm not saying it's easy, or that I'm perfect at it), limit your attempts to small groups of trusted friends. Fair? Keep your message board posting to who's going to replace Leo on The West Wing.

   So back to the instant case, these assholes may have tried to be clever or amusing, but it's clear from where their jokes were directed that the point wasn't to be funny. They were just being dicks, and pretending to make jokes as a disguise. That doesn't count as a joke. That counts as being a shithead.

   (For those in the know, this is different than when my friend got deaned in front of contracts class for two reasons: one, the message boards here are public and can be viewed without an invite or a login, and two, there's no question that the victim here was an intentional target. Not cool.)

3. Learn how to go after someone. There's nothing wrong itself with feeling threatened by a strident feminist, what's right or wrong is how you react to that feeling. Protip: going after someone personally is awful, with the added bonus of making you look like an idiot. If you disagree with someone, shoot down their ideas. If you can't do that, then either you're wrong or you haven't thought about it long enough. If you think someone really is a terrible person, then make it clear that you're divorcing their personal actions from their opinions (as I just did in the second and third sentences in this paragraph). Figure out what your problem is with someone, and go after that, and that alone. Don't get desperate for targets.

4. Pick your battles, geniuses. You can't beat back a movement by browbeating one person. If you trash someone on a message board, guess what? They're still going to feel the same way, and pretty much no one will notice. If you really want to tear down feminism, apply to the Heritage Foundation or donate to Ralph Reed or something. Message-board discussions never, ever go anywhere.

I can't imagine having to read people saying horrible personal things about me, just because they feel threatened my opinion. I guess in our futuristic internet world, that's the price you pay to speak your mind.